Thursday, April 30, 2009

Day Five, Part Two

There really are no other words necessary in attempting to recap this day.

Day Five

Well, eventually the "salt cleanse" did work for me as well, though not as spectacularly as it did for Jenn. Hmm, does that mean one of us is more full of something then the other? I wonder..... The lemonade concoction does work wonders on the appetite and I agree Day Four was soooooo much better then Day Three. I suspect that finishing my appellate brief and getting my cubicle packed and moved into my new office helped. Although I am 'homeless' so to speak until Monday, but that's ok. Right now I am working on somebodyelse's computer and I fully intend on finding a picture of a kitty or John Tesh or something and changing his screen saver......I am also happy to report that I have kicked my caffeine habit and was not tired at all when I got up this morning! Although I did let my self sleep until 8 to celebrate finishing my brief. Ah, I long for the days when celebrating something like that involved alcohol. One more week!

Day Four, Part Two - The Pooping Begins...for one of us anyway

So we started the actual "cleansing" portion of the MC which I have come to understand is just a euphemism for inducing copious amounts of stool, and by stool I mean explosive liquid shooting out of the ass. In order to stimulate such "cleansing", we willingly mixed one Tablespoon of Kosher salt with a bottle of water and downed it like it was a UV Bomb on celebration Saturday at the Dell. And after about 30 minutes, I had the expected effects but Deana was not having as much success in "cleansing" her bowels as I did (and I'm not sure if that is a good or bad thing). I did not have any abdominal cramping during this whole production which is just so very wonderful and now I'm convinced that I have discovered my very own *natural laxative* for those times when I might not be so regular in my bowel habits...screw Jamie Lee Curtis and that expensive Activia nonsense. I will stick to my Kosher (aka Shit Ass) Salt Wash, thank you very much.

Anyway, Day Four was the complete opposite of Day Three. It was all smooth sailing. I felt good, was productive at work & around the house, didn't feel starved and experienced no emotional breakdowns. I did agree with Deana that the lemon juice/maple syrup/ cayenne pepper mixture was surprisingly tasty. It was not a chore to drink. It did curb the appetite so today was hunger-pang free. Hallelujah!!! And to date, I have lost 7.5 pounds which has resulted in a much looser waistband. I even broke out the P.M. Yoga dvd before getting into bed.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Day Three Revisitied

Yesterday, I did not portion out my juice in a way that makes any type of sense because I was not on my regular schedule. I didn't work and had several meeting, including a mind numbing strategic planning session. By the time I got home in the late evening I was shaky, tearful and totally exhausted....but I drank my juice and felt much better so I blame hypoglycemia (that's low blood sugar for all you non-medical folks). It was definitely the hardest day yet so I am hoping for the best today as we move into stage two - The Lemonade Diet. We mixed up the freshly juiced lemons and that effing 100% pure maple syrup last night and it tastes just like good old fashioned lemonade. I was just so pleasantly surprised by my sampling last night. Of course, before we drink each portion we do have to add a small amount of cayenne pepper so this could certainly eff the whole up. Wish me luck. I"ll post more later this evening for your enjoyment on Day Four. Smooches!

Day Four

8:30 a.m. -Well, I'm not as tired this morning, which is good considering I didn't go to bed until after 11 due to CMT showing 'Beer for my horses'. Yes, I know its a stupid movie, and I love every stupid minute of it! And a little Toby Keith, or 'Uncle Toby' as my kids and I call him (my husband loooooves this by the way) was exactly what I needed. Yesterday was a little rough. Yes, I did get out of going to the stupid luncheon, but I spent most of the day working on an appellate brief, or as I like to call it, beating my head against the wall. Oh, and the highlight of my day, finding out at about noon that my entire desk has to be packed up by the end of today! It was supposed to be tomorrow, but nobody tells me anything, but again I digress....... Today is the first day of the 'lemonade' portion of the cleanse. I'm not going to lie, as we were making the concoction last night, Jenn and I were both a little afraid. Thankfully after a small taste test sans the cayenne pepper, we discovered it doesn't taste so bad. This morning I added the cayenne, and so far so good. It's a little spicy, but not too bad. It actually does curb the appetite, at least for now................I would kill or die for a diet coke, however........

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Day Three

8:30 a.m.- As I sit at my desk drinking my o.j., I just learned that the ease in/ease out days of this great adventure were optional. I wonder what else Jenn hasn't told me??? Did I peel all of those oranges for nothing?? Would Minute Maid been sufficient? Hmmm. I must investigate this....... Any hoo, woke up feeling pretty good. Lost a couple of more pounds (And yes I too know this is only water weight, but maybe, just maybe I have 20 lbs of water in my body. It could happen.) I stuck to my juices and water yesterday and only smoked a half a pack of cigarettes, which I think is pretty good considering I still have to prepare meals for Mister Sam and Princess Izzy. I don't think that brown rice has ever looked so good! I think I wore myself out getting ready for work as I had a huge rush of 'tired' as I drove in, but the o.j. seems to be helping with that. I think all the work on the computer this morning will not. However, that will not be as bad as the stupid luncheon I have been told I must attend this afternoon. I'm trying to think of excuses to give as to why I'm not eating. So far I've come up with "Sorry, I've had a revelation and I'm only eating Kosher from now on" or "I'm on a hunger strike in support of that journalist in Iran" or "Oh my God, I'm allergic to EVERYTHING that's being served", each to be followed with "that's ok, I'll just drink my juice". I guess I could go with the truth (but how fun is that??). Perhaps if I described the MC in enough detail, nobody at my table would want to eat!

Monday, April 27, 2009

I'm So Over 100% Pure Maple Syrup

Two quarts of this magic elixir, this nectar of the gods (which is the requisite amount for 5 days on the MC) cost $40.00! That is almost as much as the Juiceman costs - it's I better be as "cleansed" as if The Pope blessed me himself. On the plus side I have lost nearly 5 pounds since Saturday. And yes, I know it's "just water weight."

Day Two, Part Two - Anorexia and Attack of the Killer Oranges

So I made it through the rest of the day but I really lost steam in the afternoon...and I was crazy hungry. I guess that's just a side effect of not eating so maybe I'll get used to it. I was totally sitting on my couch this afternoon dreaming of food like this: muffins, donuts and bread, oh my! I could actually taste the flaky goodness of a buttery croissant. So to distract myself, I employed a time-honored emergency technique that I learned from my anorexic friend - I watched the Food Network and cooked for someone else. And it did work for a little while...just the visual stimulation from the food on tv and the aroma of the (re-heated) dinner that I made for Grand Master B distracted me from the hunger pangs, although you would think that a 16 year could make his own stinkin' leftovers.

Later, Deana and her kids came over so we could juice tomorrow's supply. Day Three consists of drinking 2 liters of fresh orange juice - not frozen, not from concentrate and not inexpensive unless you buy whole oranges in bulk and juice them yourself...which is what we did. But holy buckets, it was quite a chore. I thought juicing all the damn lemons was going to be the hard part but no, no, no it was the killer oranges. Apparently, the rinds of oranges contain an oil that makes the juice bitter (so do grapefruits and tangerines if you're interested) so you have to peel every one of them before they can go into the juicer. Not such a big deal, right? WRONG!!! To extract enough juice for Deana and I to meet tomorrow's quota we had to peel and juice 48 flipping oranges. I was operating the juicer and cleaning it out after every 6-8 oranges due to the copious amounts of pulp produced so poor Deana had to peel nearly all of those 48 oranges herself. We looked upon it as exercise given that juicing the oranges expended more calories than we had consumed in the whole day...and we weren't even dizzy.

Day Two

9:30 a.m. - So I got like 11 hours of sleep last night and I'm still tired. Damn you caffeine!!! Which also makes me a little short on patience. Not a good time for a new computer system to be installed or for whiny/bitchy people that I don't know to call me at work. Whiny/bitchy people that I know have an open invitation. I had some "radiance juice" for breakfast. (I wonder if I'm glowing?) So far, so good. Not really hungry, haven't even had a cigarette yet today. (That's not going to last, just typing the word makes me want one.) I do have a little bit of headache. Not sure if that's from the lack of caffeine or the brief I'm working on......oh and I was right, I did pee out 2 lbs of water weight yesterday, which meant I could get my rings on this morning. Whoo Hoo!! And for the record, yesterday I ate 3 bananas, an entire cumcumber, half a cantelope and a plethera of strawberries. My stomach is still confused.......

10:33 a.m. - Jenn woke up feeling really good at 6:45 this morning which is definitely an usual occurrence as let's just say that I am not a "morning person" rather than labeling me with any sort of name-calling. I've had pretty good energy and (until I allowed myself to blog) I have been very productive at work. I'm not feeling hungry and I am drinking my radiance juice as well. I am worried about my energy level this afternoon but I remain hopeful. I am actually proud of myself for sticking to the program...especially because I keep remembering that the ease in/ease out days are *optional*. However, the program works best if you do it as designed so I'm sticking to all options. Yesterday I ate one apple, an entire cantelope, about a cup of strawberries, one pear, one red bell pepper and a cup of V8 (100% vegetable) juice. I'm still not sure that using V8 juice is kosher but I've decided that I don't care.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Day One-

9:00 a.m. - Ok, strawberries and bananas for breakfast, I can handle that. Water instead of diet coke? I can do anything for 11 days. The last time I gave up caffeine and alcohol for this long, I ended up with a new born. Ok, maybe the alcohol was what got me the new born, but I digress.....Thank God, the MC (What a clever moniker! Love, Jenn) said nothing about cigarettes. Just for fun, I think I'll wear my Miller Lite hat to the office.

10:05 a.m. - This no caffeine thing is going to suck. I wonder if 'no-doze' is allowed? Must check with Jenn. I've only been awake for an hour and a half and I already need a nap.....

12:11a.m. - Jenn says 'no-doze' is most certainly not allowed as it is comprised entirely of CAFFEINE. Next time you're wondering about which type of drugs are allowed on the MC, I suggest you check out the list of ingredients first. And before you even ask, let's just go ahead and outlaw any type of drug that doesn't come pre-packaged with a listing of ingredients. Remember, we're on the road to self-improvement.

12:24 - Deana says I didn't realize that the MC was the 'no fun' diet. Ok, maybe I did, I just was hoping I was wrong. I'm about to eat some cantelope and crack open my third bottle of water. I've also visited the bathroom 4 times since I began posting this morning. That's GOT to be at least a couple of pounds of water weight.....

8:21p.m. - Jenn is totally loving the Juiceman! Oh my goodness, did we get a lot done this evening in preparation for tomorrow. We each have 3 'to go' containers of different juices for tomorrow, plus our 1 liter bottles of filtered water. I am amazed at how wonderful and yummy fresh juice tastes. We took one tiny shortcut and are using low-sodium V8 on the all-juice day two. The bottle says '100% vegetable juice' and that's good enough for us. So we each have one bottle of V8, one bottle of Radiance Juice (check out the recipe here) and one bottle of a different experimental mixed juice. My mixture has mango/cucumber/apple/carrot/orange and Deana's mix has celery/apple/pear/strawberry/raisin. You might be surprised but both are actually pretty tasty...of, course all we've eaten today is produce so take any advice from us with a grain of salt. I am proud to have made it through Day One. My husband was sitting next to me an hour ago eating chicken stir-fry (that smelled like heaven, let me tell you) and I was tempted for a bite. But otherwise today went really well. I'm a little hungry but not ravenous and no more bitchy than usual. So far, so good.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

The Last Supper

Well, after a harrowing evening spent in the produce section (did you check out all those effing lemons?!?) we are prepared to start the Master Cleanse. Tomorrow is Day One and we will be "easing in" by eating only fruits and veggies. But don't get yourself all up in a tizzy. It's not like we joined PETA...we still wear animal skin and will consume flesh on Day Twelve. Here's what was on the menu tonight.

Plus a little of this -

As you might have predicted, we totally pigged out on this fantabulous feast tonight, our very own last supper. We wanted to eat a wide variety of products as the Master Cleanse is so damn restrictive. Of course, you can't eat food - but did you know that you can't have anything to drink but water?!?

Not this
And especially none of this (Deana says BOO but since I don't drink beer I'm trying to act like I don't care when in reality I'm already drunk on wine)

So, we're off to drink ourselves silly (each to her own signature cocktail). It feels just like Fat Tuesday around here - and the pun was totally intended.

How Many Lemons Does It Take To Lose 20 Pounds?

I sure as hell hope this is enough.

The Preparations Begin

The driving force behind the creation of this blog was a means of documenting our lives, especially the exciting projects, the clever insights and of course, our longstanding quest for self-improvement. At this moment, we are both beyond a "healthy weight" and we've been feeling a need for a change. In the past, Weight Watchers has worked well for both of us - Deana is even a lifetime member because after her first child she did an incredible job taking off those baby pounds and maintaining her goal weight. But the intervening years have not been exactly kind to our figures. The combination of hitting the "middle age spread" courtesy of our 30's, a dwindling motivation for any type of physical activity and copious amounts of alcohol and fast food has resulted in maximum proportions. We've decided to take action.

Sure, a reasonable plan of eating less, choosing healthy food, limiting alcohol and exercising more is the *best* way to reach our goals. And we are definitely going to go that route....just not right now. First we decided that we need to something extreme to kick off our new lifestyle, something to detox and (hopefully) drop an impressive load o' pounds...hey it worked for Beyonce so why not us. Tomorrow we start "The Master Cleanse."

The Master Cleanse breaks down into three parts: an Ease-In, The Lemonade Diet and an Ease-Out. Both the entry and exit portions occur over 3 days and involve moving from solid food (fruits and veggies only) to just juice and then back to solid food. We are fairly confident that we can handle this. It's the Lemonade Diet that scares the shit out of us. For as many days as you can last (we are aiming for 5), you get to survive on a mixture of lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper (Mmmmm - can't wait) with loads and loads of water, plus a fantastic "all natural" laxative solution each evening designed to remove all the toxins and sludge we've built up with our nasty habits. Sounds totally fun, right? Feel free to participate along with us. You can learn all about The Master Cleanse here.

All right. I'm off to buy produce (40 lemons - Yikes!!) and a juicer.

Friday, April 24, 2009


Deana says: I confess I think I may have become possessed by a 12 yr old boy. First there was the whole "Blew Enterprises" with the building on the property housed the Alliance Head Start, all happening in Box Butte County thing, which I've decided must send its graduates to Morehead State. Then there's the giggling every time some sports announcer says "Ball screen", "ball handling" or "Harry Marshall" (that just sounds dirty). Two days ago I saw a headline in the OWH that read "Bo loves Husker Stable in Backfield" and I had to check with the Judge to see if she thought that sounded dirty. (She did.) I just can't figure out how and when I became possessed by one of those kids on the Disney Channel. I don't even watch it that much.......

Jenn adds: And when did I become so desensitized? I mean, I've always had a pretty dark sense of humor. I'm sarcastic, mocking, sometimes caustic but usually hilarious. And I'm extremely fair about it all - I make fun of everything, especially myself. But last night I went to *Family Night* at my godson's pre-school, so the place was chock full of children...all kinds of children as would be implied by *Family Night*. So when I see an innocent, beautiful and happy pre-schooler who just happens to have Down's Syndrome, do I celebrate the diversity? No, no I start giggling because I am immature and immediately think of all the retard jokes in my repertoire. Even better - when I tell Deana why I am giggling, does she scold me or challenge me to rise above my base nature? Nope, she starts giggling too.

Deana adds: I just came back from running an errand downtown and had to drive past a local 'gentleman's club'. I noticed on the sign that their happy hour starts at noon. I confess that I'm now wondering if those prices are for drinks or the dances? Anyone?

Thursday, April 23, 2009

It's Official - We're Bloggin' Fools

Aloha! My name is Jenn. My friend Deana and I took the plunge and entered the ever-changing but always amusing world of blogging. Welcome to the front row as we explore our fabulous lives and amazing (mis)adventures. We've been best friends and co-conspirators for nearly 20 years. Just recently we've decided the world is finally ready to benefit from our wit, wisdom and wackiness...and experience from afar our upcoming exploits. We've got a special treat planned for tomorrow. So hang on and enjoy the ride!