Life Coaching Saturday...er, Sunday

This weekend's segment is coming a tiny bit late but Grand Master B has been in the hospital all week and things have been crazy. He is doing better but has a long road to go towards full recovery. After everything that has happened over the past 7 days, I was having doubts about the wisdom of continuing on as a Life Coach. After all, my own life feels like it is spinning madly out of control and I know that I am managing to hold onto sanity by a mere shred of that oft mentioned thread. But then I realized that it is my very life experience, particularly the more challenging aspects that provides my deepest insight about survival and growth. Deana and the kids came over last night for a visit and Deana fixed me dinner. It was absolute heaven to sit back and let go, knowing that I finally didn't have to do anything. After dinner, D and I spent a long time just talking. It was funny, touching, sad and liberating to let the words pour out. I am left with the following lesson:

• Hang onto your sense of humor as it may be the thing that saves you in the end

Just when you think you've hit rock bottom and there is nowhere left to go, you'll find that there is a laugh at the end of the tunnel. Even when we are forced to confront our deepest fears, all is not lost if you remember to breathe deeply and look for the humor. I find it particularly cathartic to be able to laugh at one's self. Laughter is healing. Giggling is restorative. Sputtering, guffawing and snickering brings peace. To quote one of the best movies ever made*, "Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion."

As you might recall, Deana and I have been struggling with weight and self-esteem issues (insert reference to the Master Cleanse folly here). But while we continue to strive for healthier lifestyles, we've embraced the one upside to gaining weight - BOOBS. Comparing cleavage, hell, actually having cleavage is downright miraculous for me. And I'll go out on a limb and share that is a relatively new concept for Deana as well. Last weekend, we attended a Toby Keith concert in Kansas City and got absolutely giddy squishing our breasts together to maximize their new found lushness. As you can see, we've documented this silliness for posterity. Maybe not the most proper or mature thing we've ever done...but then we already know that neither of us is ever running for public office. The mega doses of funny produced by this endeavor went a long way toward easing my burdens this week...and for that I am extremely thankful.

* I am referring, of course, to Steel Magnolias.

Day Four, Part Two - The Pooping Begins...for one of us anyway

So we started the actual "cleansing" portion of the MC which I have come to understand is just a euphemism for inducing copious amounts of stool, and by stool I mean explosive liquid shooting out of the ass. In order to stimulate such "cleansing", we willingly mixed one Tablespoon of Kosher salt with a bottle of water and downed it like it was a UV Bomb on celebration Saturday at the Dell. And after about 30 minutes, I had the expected effects but Deana was not having as much success in "cleansing" her bowels as I did (and I'm not sure if that is a good or bad thing). I did not have any abdominal cramping during this whole production which is just so very wonderful and now I'm convinced that I have discovered my very own *natural laxative* for those times when I might not be so regular in my bowel habits...screw Jamie Lee Curtis and that expensive Activia nonsense. I will stick to my Kosher (aka Shit Ass) Salt Wash, thank you very much.

Anyway, Day Four was the complete opposite of Day Three. It was all smooth sailing. I felt good, was productive at work & around the house, didn't feel starved and experienced no emotional breakdowns. I did agree with Deana that the lemon juice/maple syrup/ cayenne pepper mixture was surprisingly tasty. It was not a chore to drink. It did curb the appetite so today was hunger-pang free. Hallelujah!!! And to date, I have lost 7.5 pounds which has resulted in a much looser waistband. I even broke out the P.M. Yoga dvd before getting into bed.

Day One-

9:00 a.m. - Ok, strawberries and bananas for breakfast, I can handle that. Water instead of diet coke? I can do anything for 11 days. The last time I gave up caffeine and alcohol for this long, I ended up with a new born. Ok, maybe the alcohol was what got me the new born, but I digress.....Thank God, the MC (What a clever moniker! Love, Jenn) said nothing about cigarettes. Just for fun, I think I'll wear my Miller Lite hat to the office.

10:05 a.m. - This no caffeine thing is going to suck. I wonder if 'no-doze' is allowed? Must check with Jenn. I've only been awake for an hour and a half and I already need a nap.....

12:11a.m. - Jenn says 'no-doze' is most certainly not allowed as it is comprised entirely of CAFFEINE. Next time you're wondering about which type of drugs are allowed on the MC, I suggest you check out the list of ingredients first. And before you even ask, let's just go ahead and outlaw any type of drug that doesn't come pre-packaged with a listing of ingredients. Remember, we're on the road to self-improvement.

12:24 - Deana says I didn't realize that the MC was the 'no fun' diet. Ok, maybe I did, I just was hoping I was wrong. I'm about to eat some cantelope and crack open my third bottle of water. I've also visited the bathroom 4 times since I began posting this morning. That's GOT to be at least a couple of pounds of water weight.....

8:21p.m. - Jenn is totally loving the Juiceman! Oh my goodness, did we get a lot done this evening in preparation for tomorrow. We each have 3 'to go' containers of different juices for tomorrow, plus our 1 liter bottles of filtered water. I am amazed at how wonderful and yummy fresh juice tastes. We took one tiny shortcut and are using low-sodium V8 on the all-juice day two. The bottle says '100% vegetable juice' and that's good enough for us. So we each have one bottle of V8, one bottle of Radiance Juice (check out the recipe here) and one bottle of a different experimental mixed juice. My mixture has mango/cucumber/apple/carrot/orange and Deana's mix has celery/apple/pear/strawberry/raisin. You might be surprised but both are actually pretty tasty...of, course all we've eaten today is produce so take any advice from us with a grain of salt. I am proud to have made it through Day One. My husband was sitting next to me an hour ago eating chicken stir-fry (that smelled like heaven, let me tell you) and I was tempted for a bite. But otherwise today went really well. I'm a little hungry but not ravenous and no more bitchy than usual. So far, so good.

The Last Supper

Well, after a harrowing evening spent in the produce section (did you check out all those effing lemons?!?) we are prepared to start the Master Cleanse. Tomorrow is Day One and we will be "easing in" by eating only fruits and veggies. But don't get yourself all up in a tizzy. It's not like we joined PETA...we still wear animal skin and will consume flesh on Day Twelve. Here's what was on the menu tonight.


Plus a little of this -


As you might have predicted, we totally pigged out on this fantabulous feast tonight, our very own last supper. We wanted to eat a wide variety of products as the Master Cleanse is so damn restrictive. Of course, you can't eat food - but did you know that you can't have anything to drink but water?!?

Not this
And especially none of this (Deana says BOO but since I don't drink beer I'm trying to act like I don't care when in reality I'm already drunk on wine)


So, we're off to drink ourselves silly (each to her own signature cocktail). It feels just like Fat Tuesday around here - and the pun was totally intended.

The Preparations Begin

The driving force behind the creation of this blog was a means of documenting our lives, especially the exciting projects, the clever insights and of course, our longstanding quest for self-improvement. At this moment, we are both beyond a "healthy weight" and we've been feeling a need for a change. In the past, Weight Watchers has worked well for both of us - Deana is even a lifetime member because after her first child she did an incredible job taking off those baby pounds and maintaining her goal weight. But the intervening years have not been exactly kind to our figures. The combination of hitting the "middle age spread" courtesy of our 30's, a dwindling motivation for any type of physical activity and copious amounts of alcohol and fast food has resulted in maximum proportions. We've decided to take action.

Sure, a reasonable plan of eating less, choosing healthy food, limiting alcohol and exercising more is the *best* way to reach our goals. And we are definitely going to go that route....just not right now. First we decided that we need to something extreme to kick off our new lifestyle, something to detox and (hopefully) drop an impressive load o' pounds...hey it worked for Beyonce so why not us. Tomorrow we start "The Master Cleanse."

The Master Cleanse breaks down into three parts: an Ease-In, The Lemonade Diet and an Ease-Out. Both the entry and exit portions occur over 3 days and involve moving from solid food (fruits and veggies only) to just juice and then back to solid food. We are fairly confident that we can handle this. It's the Lemonade Diet that scares the shit out of us. For as many days as you can last (we are aiming for 5), you get to survive on a mixture of lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper (Mmmmm - can't wait) with loads and loads of water, plus a fantastic "all natural" laxative solution each evening designed to remove all the toxins and sludge we've built up with our nasty habits. Sounds totally fun, right? Feel free to participate along with us. You can learn all about The Master Cleanse here.

All right. I'm off to buy produce (40 lemons - Yikes!!) and a juicer.